9 Tips to Help You Work from Home During COVID-19
Here’s my hot take.
Set aside an hour per day for an existential crisis.
Remember folks, we’re living through the apocalypse. That means that questioning the meaning of life, your career choices, whether or not you want to have kids, if you love your dog enough to eat it should grocery stores run out of food, and if a bread sandwich is really a sandwich or just three pieces of bread, is entirely normal. However, you are limited to one hour only.* No more, no less. I additionally recommend timing your existential crisis so that it’s still too early in the day to drink it off (before noon). This will lead to maximum productivity throughout the day and pave the way for a relatively clear mind for the next 24 hours.
Get organized.
Not because you now have very little else to do but finally put away that growing lump of clothing on the chair, but because the revolution is coming, and when we’re out of toilet paper and the rebels storm your apartment and they see that pile, it’s the first thing they’ll take from you.
Text everyone.
Family. Friends. Coworkers. Old friends. New friends. Dates. One-time dates. Now is the best time to actively remind people that you exist, because they’ll want to remind you that they exist too. The added bonus? There are memes and depressing articles aplenty, so you don’t even have to think about what you’re texting! No one actually wants to work. So text everyone.**
Show your face during Zoom meetings.
Sit with the constant fear that if you nap, everyone in a meeting will be able to see you do so. Not only will you stay awake, but you will also gently remind your boss that you do actually come to meetings. But don’t worry - you’re still only visible from the waist up, and no one can really tell the difference between a wrap-top and a robe.
Continue to avoid work by saying you’re going to the doctor.
No one can touch that.
But actually do your work so you don’t melt into a puddle of anxious boredom.
Minimizing item 1 is highly dependent on your ability to do this.
Reconvert to the religion you aggressively left in your 20’s.
None of your coworkers will judge you for wanting to double the length of your lunch break so you commune with spirits/god/nature. Hell bent on never going back? Don’t you worry - there are thousands of new cults to choose from! It’s the end of the world–it’s now or never, baby.
Don’t smoke.
But do drink, and get stoned on lung-safe edibles right before creative meetings***. You’ll come up with some great ideas, appear to be a genius, and best of all, no one will know.
Just stay inside.
This is one of those things that’s like voting, without the nonsensical privileged contention over whether or not your voice matters. Do your civic duty and prevent the global spread of doomsday.
*Weekend existential crises may be extended up to an additional three hours.
** Except your exes. Don’t text your exes.
***Consume alcohol safely and edibles only where weed is legally available and easily delivered to your home. Additionally, please note (especially if you are someone who has had a hand in raising or employing me) that I frequently do not follow my own advice.